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January 1st, 2011

"If you go to a family reunion to meet women..., You Might Be a Redneck!"

Well I don't do that, but after Christmas/New Years dinner with my family tonight (Christmas Dinner last Sunday was postponed due to the snow and freezing temperatures) I realized that if it weren't for the whole first cousin thing, I'd probably be very interested in my cousin Megan. Let me elaborate some, she's 8 years younger than I am, so I've seen her grow up from a baby and do not see her as a romantic interest at all, but my Aunt Marty and Uncle Joe live in Maryland, so I don't see them often and really don't know her well. However tonight during dinner it amazed me just how many interests and traits she has that I share, and would LOVE to find in a spouse (The girl has the complete 11 season M*A*S*H Collection on DVD, WHAT 24 YEAR OLD GIRL CARES ABOUT M*A*S*H!?!?!?!). I guess the best thing as I think about it is that it's a good sign that the kind of woman I'm looking for is still out there, now I just have to find one that's not already a member of my family... but slightly crazy too so that she COULD become/put up with my family.

December 19th, 2010


Well I had a very emotional time watching the game today, the innate Panther fan inside me was thrilled to see the Panthers finally playing well over all and winning a game, The more logical side of me was freaking out that they are going to ruin the best thing that a loosing season can bring, 1st pick in the NFL Draft! The good news I suppose is this was apparently upset week, of the 5 teams (I think it was 5) that had 3 wins or fewer, the only one to loose was Denver against the Raiders, so for now we're still the worst team in the NFL, the only one with 2 wins, 2 teams with 3 wins, and a few with 4 wins. I'm just left hoping that we still lose our final two games, I don't want to even think about the disappointment of having a season THIS bad, and don't get the benefit of First pick in the draft!

December 18th, 2010

Here we go again...

And just when I thought I had the truth... Leeann calls from her friends phone, says she's been sick and a friend was over there to help take care of her, but didn't want to answer the door when a stranger knocked..... She asked me to just leave her alone and she'd call me when she's moved out, I honestly wish she had just said that from the start, I wouldn't have spent all this time worrying and wondering when she didn't call. So now I think I'll just continue as I was going to. Assume she's just not interested in talking to/seeing me, and maybe a phone call some day will catch me by surprise.

Flashing Neon Sign...

Well I got my answer, in the form of a big brilliantly lit flashing Neon sign saying go away looser.

Leeann was there tonight, but did not answer the door when I knocked. So much for thinking there was anything more than just being flirty for a free ride home.

December 17th, 2010

Tuesday I did something I had been planning for a few weeks, I drove out to Davidson and delivered some Flowers to Julie, along with the card/letter I had written for her. Julie still thinks my motives are purely to start or prepare for a romantic relationship, and in all honesty I can't blame her, that is my own doing. I want to be the friend I should have been for her, and the kind of friend she has been for me, but regardless I will always be thankful, she has helped me grow and become a better person than anyone else I may have ever known in my life. I've always believed that everything in our lives is leading us to a purpose, so there are very few events in my life, no matter how bad, that I would ever consider doing things differently if I had a choice (only two in fact). The first... well I'm still not even comfortable enough with myself to list that here. The second I wish I had treated Julie as the friend she was, instead of as the romantic interest I wanted her to be.

On the plus side, I did get an email from Julie, and I HOPE she accepts the flowers in the spirit they were intended and allows them to cheer her up if only a little over the next few days/weeks. I am hoping we can get back to some semblance of a friendship, instead of me just being that guy that follows her blog and tries to comfort her when she's filling down. As such, I sent her an email further explaining what I felt and why I sent the flowers, and tried to get her caught up on the high points that have been going on in my life. I hope in time she will be willing to talk to me if she needs a friend, and so time she will get.

On the subject of time, it's almost been a week since I saw Leeann Sunday night, and she promised to call Monday, I still have not heard from her, and continue to wonder what she is really thinking of me, the guy she seems to be thrilled to see when he shows up out of nowhere, the guy she risked giving her number to while still staying with a potentially abusive former boyfriend (someone I've decided to call "John" just to no longer term him "boyfriend" which he is not, assuming she's been honest with me), and the guy she asked for his number and promised to call on several occasions but as of yet has not called once. My only ways of contacting her remain to call and risk alerting John, or to stop by and try to catch her while John is away... oh, and every passing day increases the odds that she could possibly have moved out from staying with John and be in her own apartment, leaving me knocking on the door because I think she is alone, only to find the car is gone because Leeann has gone, leaving me standing there with John, no telling what that situation could spiral into. I'm hoping that with no stray phone calls John has given Leeann back her phone, so tomorrow (Saturday) after work I'm going to go back over there, if Leeann's car is gone I'll try calling her again. Hopefully this time she will answer and I'll know what's going on. If not... I'm not sure, of much except that before the night is over I will try to reach Leeann in every way I have available.

All this trouble for a woman I barely know... all this trouble for a woman that just on some of the things I **DO KNOW** I typically wouldn't be very interested in her anyway... Yet, even with what I do know, even with how little I know her, I still want to know her more, I still feel some kind of connection that I want to develop and find out where it leads. It really feels strange to feel this way, the kind of feeling I haven't felt since that first day I met Julie. I know all the things I thought about with Julie, all the feelings I created out of thin air before I even knew her. I'm certain I'm not doing that again, I'm constantly reminding myself of the things I do and don't know about her. I'm trying not to worry about her too much because I know that really the more I stay away the safer she is until she moves away from John. She is a beautiful woman, and I'm know part of the attraction is physical, but I've known physically attractive women I've never given a second glance, or wasn't interested in within seconds of meeting. Something else is definitely there... I just don't know what... it's a homework question, I can't find in a book, it's a quiz I can't study for.... It's something that the only way to get an answer, is to do the one thing I'm limited on currently, talk to her, spend time with her, find out first hand.

December 13th, 2010

Well last night I got off work and still hadn't heard from Leeann so I went back over there, knocked on her door, nothing, then went to see if she had gone to the convenience store, on the way back I ran into her... so far that seems like the only way I can get in touch with her, along the path there between the store and her apartment. She said she was going to get something and use the phone there to call me after having spent a while with a neighbor before asking to use their phone only to find out they were low on minutes with a prepaid phone. Anyway we went back to the store and low and behold I find out working there is someone I knew from the time I was living with David (Deena, we were actually roommates for a short time, David let her use the other room upstairs next to mine while she was having some trouble with an abusive relationship... Yeah I know, go figure, another woman in my life with guy problems.... I swear someone's stuck a magnet around my neck for these ladies... the saddest part is they are ALL extremely attractive women and could easily get any man they want if they could just see themselves the way others see them! Well anyway the three of us chatted for a while before going back to Leeann's apartment. I didn't go in and we didn't talk long, her boyfriend can get off work early if things are slow so there was a risk of him getting back soon. Again she told me she would call today for sure... again the evening is coming to a close and no call. For the rest of the week between work and school I'm pretty well booked any time it might be safe to get over and check on her so I'm just gonna have to see how things go. I work a morning shift (8-4) Saturday, so I think if I don't hear from her before then I'll try and stop by then and see if I can get a hold of her. Also I think I'm going to try and get in touch with Deena too, Maybe she can help me reach her and find out what's really going on. I know the situation with her boyfriend can make it hard for Leeann to do some things that she may want, but I'm still left wondering if she want's to see/talk to me at all or if it's all just an act. I have to think it would be crazy to pretend to want to talk to me when she doesn't as just having me talking to her could cause major problems if her boyfriend finds out (as demonstrated when he took her phone just because a guy answered from a number that called her)

December 12th, 2010


Well I never got that call from Leeann so I tried calling her a couple times Friday night, then again Saturday Morning, all going straight to the messaging service. Then a minute or two after my call Saturday I got a call back from her cell. Knowing what her "boyfriend" is like I answered saying "Hello" questionably like I didn't know who was calling. Probably a really good thing to because as soon as I said that the call hung up. So that that didn't help any with how I was worried about Leeann. So I spent the rest of the day worrying, and contemplating going to the police. But really what would I look like going into a police station and saying I just met someone under a week ago and she's not calling me like she said and I think she could be in trouble with an abusive boyfriend, and oh by the way, you can follow me to the apartment building she lives at, but I have no clue what the address is, or what apartment once you get there. OH and I have no clue if anything is going on or not anyway. So I decided to try and get some more information on my own. This morning I drove out and parked in a nearby parking lot and played Private Investigator (or stalker depending on your point of view I suppose). I really didn't expect to have much to happen except to maybe get a process of elimination going to figure out what apartment she was in, or what vehicle was hers (He drives it to work so if it's not there it would be safe to TRY to talk to her then). Then while I see someone going down a path in the back (she had mentioned that most everyone uses that as a shortcut to the nearest convenience store) and it looked like the person was wearing the same coat she had worn Tuesday at the CAM. So after a min or two I decide to follow down the path and go to the convenience store myself, by a candy bar or something if it's not her or I don't see the person. As I'm coming up to the store, Leeann comes around the corner heading back. So we talk for just a moment there then we start back down the path so she's doesn't take too long getting back. I find out she's still working to get into the apartment building and has a family friend nearby that may be able to help her get a job with an insurance company. Also after the phone call Saturday her "boyfriend" took her cell phone, so for a few days at least he won't be giving that back to her. Once again she said she would call me tonight, even if she had to go use another phone while he's at work. I hope she does call, I have lots more to talk to her about, we were unfortunately pressed for time given the situation. I feel much better knowing that she's generally ok, and still working to get out of the apartment with him. But just still being there with him leaves me constantly a little worried.

On a side note... I used to think I would NEVER be the guy going sneaking around trying to talk to a woman who is with another guy, nor that I would ever be out "stalking" someone... I like to think that this is an extremely abnormal situation and that while I'm doing things I generally considered bad, they are done with only the best of intentions and for purposes that are truly good.

December 9th, 2010


I had a dream last night, Julie was in it, It's been years since I've had one with her in it. I can't remember the details, just that she was extremely busy and when I tried talking to her she told me she couldn't now but promised she would call me....

On the subject of women calling me, Leeann said she would call me last night, I still haven't heard from her. If I don't get a call before then I think I'll try to call her either before class or during a break tomorrow.

I wonder if it's the combination of things going on with worrying about Julie and Leeann that triggered my dream?

December 8th, 2010

The past 6ish months unemployed had left my financial situation bleak to say the least. My cable has been out for over a month now (which means no TV, no internet, and no home phone service). My bank account is over drawn, I barely kept my power from being cut off, and November's rent has been past due... Well Yesterday I went to the Crisis Assistance Ministry and after sitting around all day finally got in for an interview.... For the first time in my life I'm actually going to be receiving some financial aid from the government (not counting unemployment) I'm getting 2 months rent and 1 month electric bills paid for, so now as my checks come in I'll be able to get right back on my feet in weeks instead of struggling to keep my head up for months trying to get caught back up!

However, even more surprising to me than receiving the aid, is that while I was there I met a beautiful young woman who has been in a similar situation. Her name is Leeann, she reminds me a little of Julie, and at the same time she has drastic differences. Like Julie, she can't see past the small imperfections she has to see the natural wholesome beauty she has within her. She seems smart, caring, sweet, and compassionate. Also she seems to have come to the point that she knows she has to end a long term (6 years) relationship with a man that isn't good for her, though in this case it's far worse that what Julie has with Mike. However that's where many of the similarities stop. She has used, and while I didn't ask I assume she still uses Marijuana on occasion. She doesn't believe in god, and looks on religion as a tool that has been used to teach good ethics and morals, little more. She is also a "conspiracy theorist" believing, and perpetuating almost every conspiracy concept out there. Anyway while there we spent the day talking with two other ladies about all sorts of things. Her "boyfriend" showed up a couple times I'm not sure if he was just waiting outside in the car leaving her alone to handle the headache of waiting around for help, or if he was just goofing around doing whatever he felt like and swinging by from time to time. Either way around 1pm he just left her there while he went to work, leaving her with with no money, and no way to get home. Apparently (assuming everything she said was true, which I have little doubt of when I saw how she reacted the first time she saw him come in) this guy is the ultimate portrayal of the stereotypical controlling, abusive, drug using boyfriend. He's hit her several times at least, has stolen her money, lived off her while providing nothing for the majority of the 6 year relationship, unable to hold down a job, or even really try. He searches through her things to try and find out if she's cheating on him, grills her with questions any time she talks to someone else (male or female) or even takes longer than he thinks she should if she goes out for anything. She says she is ending the relationship and with the assistance she got it will fix her rental problem and allow her to use what income she does have (unemployment at the moment) to get a new apartment away from him. (Unfortunately the guy did ONE thing smart, and when they moved into their current apartment he got his name put on the lease along with hers, so she can't just throw him out.)

I know I want to, and will try to be there for her but I'm not sure if this has any potential beyond just helping a woman in need. I am definitely attracted to her, but there are big issues that would have to be faced. First the drug use would absolutely have to stop, I've spent my whole life staying away from drugs and the problems they caused, while seeing exactly what they do as my brother was involved with them constantly. Second I can understand how she feels on religion so I can be a little patient there, and perhaps even overlook it in time. After all, prior to meeting Julie I felt very similar. Finally, I can understand being intrigued by conspiracies, but there's a line somewhere between it being an interest, and it consuming your life. I can deal with someone who wants to watch a TV show if there's a conspiracy theory involved, it's an entirely different thing to have those theories affect how you live your live and the things you do because you are constantly concerned with matters that even if they ARE true, you have no control over.

Ultimately right now, I gave her my number (after she assured me she had some place to put it that he doesn't search and it wouldn't be an issue even if he did find it) and I have hers, and I know I have to be very careful about the circumstances of calling her while she is still with him. The only GOOD thing is that he got mad at her and through her phone on the ground a while ago and broke the LCD display, so he has no way to check her phone to see who is calling her, or who she calls. (though she does have one of the phones that ONLY has the touch screen, so she has to kind of remember/guess where the numbers are to dial out). She said she would call me tonight, I hope she does, there's two things I want to tell her, or maybe I should say I want her to promise me. I want her to promise that no matter how she does it, she moves away from him by the end of the year, and if he hits her again, she calls 911 first, and calls me next.

Now I have two women in my life who are trying to deal with breaking away from men who aren't good for them. Now I have two women in my life who I could easily see myself getting involved with if the chips fell the right way. One who would have to improve who she is, for me to take her in, the other who I would have to improve who I was for her to even consider letting me in. One who seems to have accepted that she is with a complete jerk and is just trying to do things delicately for self preservation, the other who is still in a daily struggle between leaving a good man she has loved for 12 years, but one who doesn't seem to like who she is, and seems will never be the kind of man she needs..... Financially my life just got a whole lot simpler.. yet it seems that it's now more complicated than ever!

December 6th, 2010

3rd Quarter done!

Well I've got 3 quarters (12 classes) finished up in my Associates Degree program, 5 quarters to go, and my 4.0 avg remains intact. Though I may be facing the toughest course I've had yet this quarter, The Math and Technical stuff they can throw at me until I'm blue in the face, but this quarter I have English Composition 1... HELP!!!
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